Is your Boss being too friendly?

Paul Dyer was always able to hold off his boss's invitations to party by employing that arms-length response: "We'll have to do that sometime," he'd say.

But when his boss, in his 30s, invited Mr. Dyer, 24 years old, to be friends on the social-networking sites MySpace and Facebook, dodging wasn't so easy. On the one hand, accepting a person's request to be friends online grants them access to the kind of intimacy never meant for office consumption, such as recent photos of keggers and jibes from friends. ("Still wearing that lampshade?")

But declining a "friend" request from a colleague or a boss is a slight. So, Mr. Dyer accepted the invitation, then removed any inappropriate or incriminating photos of himself -- "I'd rather speak vaguely about them," he says -- and accepted the boss's invitation.

Mr. Dyer, it turns out, wasn't the one who had to be embarrassed. His boss had photos of himself attempting to imbibe two drinks at once, ostensibly, Mr. Dyer ventures, to send the message: "I'm a crazy, young party guy." The boss also wore a denim suit ("I'd never seen anything like it," Mr. Dyer says) and posed in a photo flashing a hip-hop backhand peace sign.

It was painful to watch. "I hurt for him," says Mr. Dyer.

Like email and "buddy lists" before them, social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace provide a definition of the word "friend" so expansive that it includes perfect strangers. Yet, strangers are the easy part. It can be a lot creepier to interact intimately with someone you sort of know than someone you don't know at all.

"Nothing changes when a stranger invites you to be a friend," says Nina Singh, a market-research consultant. But when one of her clients "friended" her, she saw a semierotic photo of him topless, posed and softly lit. "When you see your client's pubic bone, something has changed."

Victor Sanchez, 54, a senior development director, was once invited to join a site and was surprised to see a photograph of a younger colleague's seahorse tattoo. "Sometimes it's good to learn things about a colleague much later -- or never at all," he says.

These networking sites assist existing social relationships, letting people easily plan events, share pictures and keep up-to-date with far-flung friends. Once they penetrate the office, however, such sites can create awkward moments, particularly with colleagues who commit the social felony of attempted hipness. Dare I say, "Whatup, homey?"

When it comes to the boss, there is a real dilemma. You're caught between a career-limiting rejection of virtual friendship or a career-limiting access to photos of yourself glassy-eyed at a party. "All these social relationships -- apples and oranges -- are getting crammed into one category of friends," says Tom Boellstorff, associate professor of anthropology at the University of California, Irvine, who is writing a book on the virtual community Second Life.

After one senior marketing coordinator at a law firm was invited by one of the lawyers to be his friend, she felt compelled to accept the invitation, even though she had no intention of socializing with him outside the office. He remarked once after an office meeting that he noticed she had a boyfriend, as listed on her online profile.

"It was strange," she says. "I was like, 'Why are you on Facebook?'"

Once "friended" by a colleague, people feel compelled to employ privacy features -- which itself can be a snub -- or to sanitize their online profiles -- which is akin to hiding something under the bed. The same marketing coordinator removed college pictures of herself doing a keg stand -- a handstand on top of a beer keg for a direct mouth-to-tap connection.

Prospective employers also seem to have no compunction conducting searches on job applicants before they call them in for interviews. "We'll Google them and I know that we've done MySpace searches," says attorney Caroline Kert of prospective hires.

She's mostly looking for slams against a former employer or exposed proprietary information. She says she'd never hold against applicants something like, say, a photo of them wearing a fur bikini. Good thing. Ms. Kert, a regular at the Burning Man Festival, has pictures of herself sporting just that on MySpace.

J.D. Lloyd, a law student working at a firm, isn't taking any chances. At 6-foot-2 and 250 pounds, he removed a photo of himself in a Florida Marlins baseball jersey that was a mere "youth large." "It was tight," he says. "There may or may not have been midriff in some of those pictures."

It used to be that employees were told to keep their personal lives out of work. Now, some bosses beg for it. Data analyst Valerie Jewett, 23, accepted a boss as a friend even though she likes to keep her personal and professional lives separate.

He's a nice guy, she says, but his late-30s ungrooviness was evident when he wrote a message to her on the "wall" on her homepage. The message made her roll her eyes. "What a ko-wink-i-dink to find y'all on here! Yeehaw!!"

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How to Cope with the Jerk at Work

At some point in our careers, most of us are forced to work with someone whose people skills can only be described as atrocious. Sometimes our companies wisely get rid of these people, but they are like weeds. Pluck one, and within seconds another will sprout up in its place. The dread that comes with having to regularly interact with someone who is routinely negative, argumentative, stressed out, or mean can make your job a wholly unpleasant experience -- if you let it.

Your first instinct might be to go out of your way to avoid working with Mr. (or Ms.) Difficult, and if you can pull it off, more power to you. Often, though, this is not an option, and whether Mr. Difficult is your boss, a colleague, or a senior executive, you must prepare for each meeting with him like you are going into battle. Swallow your apprehension. Remind yourself that no one has the power to control how you feel and suit up your armor so that nothing he says or does wounds you deeply. Take a deep breath and walk calmly into Mr. Difficult's office. Speak to him in a controlled, cheerful, and reasonable tone. Get the information you need and get out. Negativity and stress can be highly contagious, so don't allow yourself to get sucked in.

Mr. Difficult's arrows can be easier to deflect when he's an equal opportunity shooter. You might even joke about him with your other colleagues: "Oh, you're working with Mr. Difficult on that? I'm so sorry. I hear a bunch of people are getting a hitman if you want to contribute." It's easy to become demoralized, however, when Mr. Difficult saves his best poison just for you. One of my early bosses, for example, couldn't stand me. She was sweet as apple pie to the rest of our colleagues, and to the best of my knowledge, I didn't do anything specific to incur her wrath. Inexplicably, though, whenever I came around she turned into the wicked witch of the west.

Your best bet in this type of scenario is to sit down with your Mr. Difficult and have a heart to heart. Tell him how you are feeling, assume that he doesn't mean to act like the devil incarnate, and give him the benefit of the doubt. Solicit his feedback regarding how the two of you can improve the relationship and then give him a chance to do right by you. If this doesn't work and he continues to regularly use you as target practice, remove yourself from the situation. No job is worth your self-esteem.

One caveat to all this: Human beings operate with such different styles that it's impossible for us to get along with all of our colleagues all of the time. You could be the most agreeable person on earth, but I guarantee that someone at work will find a reason not to like you. Maybe she isn't blatantly obvious or malicious like Mr. Difficult, but you can feel her negativity just the same. She might walk right past your desk without saying good morning and probably doesn't engage in friendly conversation with you the way she does with other people in the office.

For those of us with a sensitive streak, this type of behavior can be hurtful too. What did you do to her anyway? Why won't she give you a fair shot? As natural as it is to fixate on the situation, if it's not affecting your daily working life or your career path, refuse to take it personally and go about your business. Focus on your reasons for being at work and save your energy for the people in the office who deserve it.
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Alexandra Levit worked for a Fortune 500 software company and an international public relations firm before starting Inspiration @Work, an independent career consulting business. She's the author of They Don't Teach Corporate in College: A Twenty-Something's Guide to the Business World (Career Press 2004)


Author Alexandra Levit
Capessa

Office Romance

These days, it seems happy hour takes place between 9 and 5. Many singles spend more waking time at work than at home, so the likelihood of office attraction is high. You know what I'm talking about -- conveniently making copies at the same time, emailing back and forth, and playing eye-tag all day long.

If you're imagining the boardroom as a bedroom, take a second to notice the red flags -- and I don't mean on your minesweeper game. While pining away at your desk, I have some helpful ways to crush with caution on the clock!

Hold your horses! Before scooping up your co-worker and riding into the sunset, you'd better make sure the coast is clear. Check to see if your company has any policies on inter-office dating you should be aware of. This way, you can preview the consequences -- if any -- and avoid that little pink slip.

If romance is in the air, someone is bound to smell it... Hiding your relationship at work might be kind of fun -- even playfully scandalous! -- but take a moment to question the real reason behind the secrecy. If you're not comfortable going public, consider whether or not you should be involved in the first place.

Between a desk and a hard place... Sneaking kisses by the snack machine seems harmless enough, but I doubt people will have much of an appetite when they catch you there. Be considerate of your co-workers by saving affection for the sidewalk. A personal attraction can dent your professionalism, and also pose a distraction for those around you. Keep interactions clean until the suit comes off -- and I mean that literally.

You can't always be a "yes" man... Be especially careful if you are a superior crushing on a subordinate. Things can get tricky, because your employee may feel too pressured not to say "no" -- and then a "yes" just doesn't seem genuine! Plus, both your reputations are suddenly at stake. Before taking the risk, you'd better have another job interview lined up -- just in case things work out well!

If dating doesn't work, keep in mind that you're still in a professional relationship -- and 8 hours a day can feel a lot longer when it's spent avoiding each other. So while an office affair might succeed, it's often more trouble than it's worth. But as you and I know, sometimes we just can't help ourselves.

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